The Queen

Hello, said the Queen

Can my chauffeur use your loo

And after she has warmed the seat

Do you mind if I go too

Of course not, said my mother

Would you like to stay for tea

I’d love to, was the Queens’ reply

But first the royal wee

And when the royal wee was flushed

We sat down for our tea

The chauffeur next to mum and dad

The Queen right next to me

I’m afraid it’s only bread and jam, said dad

And a cake that I’ve just made, said mum

But there’s fresh brewed tea in the pot

We’re so glad that you stayed, said me

You’re very welcome, said the Queen

As she polished off the lot

And washed it down with fresh brewed tea

She drank straight from the pot

Delightful butties

Burped the Queen

I really loved the cake

Far tastier than anything

The palace chef can make

Why thank you, said my mother

It was rather nice

I can bake another cake for you

If you would like another slice

Really, said her majesty

You would do that for me

That’s oh so very kind of you

Here, have an OBE

Why thank you, said my mother

As she accepted her award

I haven’t been this happy

Since the kitchen was re-floored

Now if you’ll royal pardon me 

I’ll make another cake

It’s a recipe I invented

Very quick to bake

Can I assist, said the Queen

It’s something I’d love to do

I so rarely get a chance to bake

If that’s alright with you

Excuse me ma’am, the chauffer said

But I think it’s time to go.

Your majesty is expected

At a royal variety show

I’d find that dull, my mother said

I’d never stay awake

I never do, said the Queen

Let’s bake another cake

The Elephant

You say

I ignore the elephant in the room

How can I

It blocks the view to the TV

And it’s trampled the house plants

Not that elephant

You say

Thoughts

You said

A penny for your thoughts

I suppose a penny will suffice

I can offer you a selection

But first

Here’s some

My-thought advice

To save you wasting money

(although a penny isn’t steep)

Don’t spend your penny on my thoughts

Just because they’re cheap

As most are unoriginal

And low in quality

Predicable and somewhat dull

They drip banality

Which if I think about it

Is a thought I could apply

To very nearly every thought

To you I could supply

But as you’ve made the offer

Can I have a penny please

It’s time to get your cash out

That’s enough

My thought freebees

Home Sweet Home

The house they bought

Was a small

Two up

Two down

With an upstairs attic where swung cats

Dimension discovering

Would miaow displeasure

And a downstairs loo off the kitchen

The agent

Pleased it was a cash purchase

Offered to wrap it

In the carrier bag he was sorry

He had to charge for

They were happy there

For a while

As they dreamed each day

How life could be

And lived each day

How life was

The Poet

That made a change from

Where do you get your ideas

The poet had answers for where

Not why

Because I have to

Would that be good enough

Because the words find me and

I just write them down

Would be partially true

And totally pretentious

Why, said the poet

That’s a good question