DIY

Father was fixing the toilet

When he accidentally flushed

He vanished round the U-bend

And into the sewer he gushed





Typical, said mother

Another job incomplete

The toilet is still broken

And he forgot to put down the seat





So now every morning

There’s a queue at the kitchen sink

We use it instead of the toilet

But it makes the whole house stink





(Or this third verse)





And now it’s over six months

Since father left this address

Mother mended the toilet

We’re flushed with her success.

Lookalike

I look like someone famous

I get asked for autographs

It’s how I feed my ego

It’s what I do for laughs





I’m fodder for the gossip columns

The paps’ love how I behave

Living life for the present

I’m a lifestyle mag fave





It’s made me someone famous

A low alphabet celebrity

Famed for being famous

I’m a successful lookalikee





I look like someone famous

Someone famous looks like me

I love being a lookalike

My lookalike would disagree





As he’s no longer famous

As no-one thinks he’s he

When they meet the former celebrity

They think that he is me





I’m enjoying being famous

I’m revelling in his success

As my infamy increases

His becomes less and less





But I’ve noticed he’s getting noticed

He’s a re-celebrity

His star has quickly risen

He’s become more famous than me





He’s enjoying being famous

He’s revelling in my success

As his infamy increases

Mine becomes less and less





Now the paps don’t want to know me

I’m a gossip mag absentee

And all because my lookalike

Has become more famous than me





I look like someone famous

Someone famous looks like me

Now someone looks like both of us

Were a lookalikee three





But our glory days are over

We’re gossip mag absentees

We’ve had our 15 minutes fame

We’re no longer celebrities





Our lime-lit lives have ended

And when we cease to sob

We’ll have to seek employment but,

We’ve never had a proper job

Humans as a Hobby

I found the book flowers use to identify humans

Each ethnic group

From A to Z

Had a two-page spread

A picture of a male on one

A female on the other

With a few handy tips on how to help them flourish

Apparently flowers consider humans to be

Hardy perennials as we

Can survive just about anywhere

The real challenge

The book said

Is finding groups who can live side by side